Bereavement - A Personal Experience
“ There is a time for everything….a time to be born and a time to die…” Ecclesiastes 3
I have been noticing a lot of people discussing the grieving process after a bereavement and as this is something that I have experienced numerous times, I have decided to touch upon the subject.
It is still rather taboo to discuss death which leaves so many people feeling alone with their often intense and overwhelming feelings but if you suppress your feelings, they tend to manifest later on in a not so healthy way.
At a time when you need to be strong you find you are at your weakest ~ mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. You want some form of comfort yet you also need to be left alone at the same time but it is by being so vulnerable that we do inevitably find our strength.
Because death makes many people feel uncomfortable, they tend to avoid discussing it or intentionally keep out of the way.
I believe the most unhelpful words that you can say to someone are “I know how you feel.” No disrespect but no, you do not. You did not know the person who died and even if you did, you didn't know them like I did. You're not me and you have no idea what I'm going through. You don't think my thoughts or feel what I feel. Your mind works differently to mine and we have different ways of dealing with things. My pain is mine and you are not experiencing it. I am. Choose your words carefully but actions speak louder than words so show support by just being there for someone.
Death can take someone unexpectedly or it can be expected. Maybe after an illness, a suicide, an accident or in unexplained and even tragic circumstances but none are ‘easier’ to deal with than any other because the finality of someone being gone is so painfully apparent and that is a very strong emotion to try and absorb.
I have had to experience several deaths ~ two of which were traumatic and in the space of ten months, I was having to deal with situations I would not wish upon my favourite enemy ~ choosing coffins, discussing embalming, talking to coroners and police and reading post mortem results. I had to do this alone but I think because I was numb with grief at the time, it was maybe a blessing in disguise which helped me function through all these necessary practicalities.
That's why we need to be extremely gentle and fully forgiving to ourselves because no matter how anyone dies, we should not assume any blame or criticise ourselves. Nurture yourself...to an excess.
It doesn't matter now what we did and did not say. If there is something that was very important which was left unsaid, offer it up in a prayer. It's irrelevant if you believe or not but you will feel the burden lifted slightly. Say and think kind and loving words to yourself regularly.
Time definitely eases the awful deep and relentless abyss of pain but like a tide, it ebbs and flows and believe it or not, the grief eventually becomes lighter to carry. You will never be the same but you adapt naturally and you realise that life goes on and the best way to honour someone who has passed is to live a good, kind and full life.
Faith and spiritual beliefs can be important when you have experienced a bereavement and you will find that even if you do not have a faith then you will be undoubtedly questioning everything that has happened and searching for answers.
There are several excellent organisations that offer support to the bereaved and if this is something you feel may help, then please reach out to them.
Remember that everyone's grieving journey will uniquely differ to the next person. We don't ever forget but we teach ourselves to accept. The sadness doesn't disappear but we learn to address it differently.
“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”